Even Recipes Can Make You Laugh

On account of my newly found talent for Depression Cooking, a friend of mine sent me a recipe for something he calls a "Torttino."  If you've never laughed at a recipe before (who laughs at recipes?), this may be your day!

Now, I have no idea what this is supposed to be or look like once made, but it sounds like it might be delicious. Plus, this man once ordered a Dairy Queen Blizzard® (see below post) using the words, "Pumpkin Pie with Nerds®!" so you know it must be good. Wait, that sounds foul...

Thankfully, this "Torttino," as it were, has nothing to do with dairy products, therefore, it's probably a recipe to be trusted. And while normally I would not publish something like this verbatim (or at all), I must mention that since my friend is super fabulously gay, he has a knack for adding flair to the English language, which almost makes up for the TOTAL LACK OF BEANS in his recipe. Not to mention, I'm the kind of innovative genius who can take a "Torttino" and turn it into a "Poorman's Quiche," which makes for a cheap meal and a lovely blog post. Or maybe that's a lovely meal and a cheap blog post. Or a gnarly meal and a gnarly blog post. Whatever.

Anyway, allow me to present to you the "Torttino!"

INGREDIENTS:

• 8 "eggs" [Ed. note: He uses a bourgeois version of eggs called "EggBeaters." Psshah!]
• 2 bell peppers, diced like a MOFO
• Half a bunch of deveined swiss chard (rainbow chard if you swang that way) [Ed. note: I have no idea what any of those high-fallutin' words mean.]
• 1 10" chorizo (NOT a euphemism, this time) [Ed. note: OH SNAP, GIRL!]
• 1 red onion; cut that bitch up into half-moons
• 3 yukon gold taters, sliced into 1/4" coins
• Some fresh rosemary needles [Ed. note: Uh, really?]
• 4 cloves garlic, smashed and decimated
• Olive oil
• 1.5 tsp pimentón (smoked paprika, WHAT!? that shit is SIIIIIICK) [Ed. note: Again, really?]
• Salt-n'-pepa
• 1 big ass castiron skillet [Ed. note: Now that's a Depression item I can get down with!]
• Some kind of cover (I used another pan) [Ed. note: Again, that's a hobo innovation I can get down with!]
• Oven @ 325
• Lots of wine for the drankin'.

DIRECTIONS:

• Fry up the onions until golden and add garlic near the end. Transfer to "Hold All My Shit" bowl.
• Oil pan; fry up pepper until soft; toss in chard and fry until beginning to char; toss all that shit into H.A.M.S. bowl.
• Oil pan, toss in taters; cover with other pan.
• DO NOT OIL PAN, fry up chorizo; drink lots of wine 'cause it's delicious; transfer chorizo to bowl.
• Whisk together "eggs," pimentón, s&p, pour into H.A.M.S. bowl, combine, then toss in skillet. Cook until edges start to brown.
• Toss that bitch in the oven for about 10-12 minutes. When it's SET, BROIL THAT MOTHERF*CKER until it's golden brown.
• Eat until you puke.

Wow. I must admit that sounds delicious, but you know what? It also sounds expensive! And so here are my suggestions to turn this super homosexual "Torttino" into a super destitute "Poorman's Quiche."

INGREDIENTS:

• REAL eggs laid by skinny, poor chickens
• Beans
• Potatoes
• Beans
• Onion
• Pepper
• Beans
• Whatever spices you were able to busk for that day.
• Moonshine for drankin'.

DIRECTIONS:

• Chop up all that sh*t, throw it into a pan and cook over open dumpster fire.
• Eat until you puke.
• Drink moonshine until you puke again.

And voila!

So the choice is yours. Do you want to squander away your devaluing dollars on meals like the Torttino? Or would you rather save up your hard-earned welfare to eventually buy a shiny new pennyfarthing by choking down the Poorman's Quiche instead? The answer seems pretty clear to me.

In the meantime, while you ruminate about the superiority of my Poorman's Quiche over The Man's Torttino, allow me to alert you to my fascination with the elderly that has continued to grow when this video reached my Inbox. Is it wrong that I relate to the senior set more than I relate to most 30- and 40-somethings? NO!  They ride dirrrrty just like me!
Ride DIRTY!!! 

So funny!