from my home in Santa Monica. While enjoying the majestic beauty of the impending sunset (my favorite thing) I saw an elderly woman walk out onto the sand.
I expected her to slowly wander along. She walked for a bit, but then her gait picked up and as her creaky body fell into her own timeless rhythm she looked the same as any runner I know. I remember wondering how many miles she had run over her lifetime, how she could run so smoothly over uneven sand without shoes, and how she got so lucky to still be able to run when most of her friends probably needed a cane. That evening, I understood what health meant to me, and knew what I wanted to grow into. Suddenly exercise - but, really health - took on a whole new meaning.
I'm not sure what to call what happened next. I've thought about it a lot over the years. Was it fate? Was it coincidence? Or just sheer luck? I can't be sure...but as I review my life's trajectory, it's hard not to think it was somehow all part of a plan.
Shortly after this revelation with the woman on the beach, I was hired as a high school teacher. The Athletic Director of the high school was Jacqueline Hansen, Boston Marathon winner. I was in awe. I couldn't imagine ever doing a marathon, much less ever winning the damned thing - not to mention winning the biggest mother of 'em all. She was a freak. And a freak in a good way. : )
She and I became fast friends, and this most definitely evolved into a mentoring relationship. "JQ", her nickname, invited me to go run with her one day. Running? I didn't 'run'. Up until that point I don't think I had ever jogged more than 3 miles maybe. I remember I wore high tops (no lie!) and my feet were later swollen with blisters -- I had NO CLUE!! I was big and clumsy, but JQ didn't seem to care. She just bounced along in her petite runner frame, non-stop chatter, while I wheezed and gasped for air. Soon there were more after-school running invites, Sunday morning runs...... but best of all, a sincere friendship in bloom.
She and I became fast friends, and this most definitely evolved into a mentoring relationship. "JQ", her nickname, invited me to go run with her one day. Running? I didn't 'run'. Up until that point I don't think I had ever jogged more than 3 miles maybe. I remember I wore high tops (no lie!) and my feet were later swollen with blisters -- I had NO CLUE!! I was big and clumsy, but JQ didn't seem to care. She just bounced along in her petite runner frame, non-stop chatter, while I wheezed and gasped for air. Soon there were more after-school running invites, Sunday morning runs...... but best of all, a sincere friendship in bloom.
Without a doubt, Jacqueline is responsible for getting me off the couch all those years ago. Triathlon wasn't even an idea yet.........but if there hadn't been JQ's intervention, her pushing me back into a world that involved movement, I have no idea the person I would have become. Or worse - the person I would have remained.
Jacqueline Hansen
People have been asking me if I am ever going to race again. I always hesitate…knowing deep inside that I'd rather run a little bit for a long time than run a lot and have to stop. I wonder about this, about where the line is for me.
I've been struggling a lot lately with feeling good enough. Good enough for what, or for whom (??) - only I can really challenge myself with those questions, or understand where the challenge lies. Sometimes I have a spell of days where I feel contentedly 'good enough.' It is enough that I get out there and try, over and over again, every day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.
Some weeks, good enough is pretty damn good. I look at the vision staring back at me in the mirror and feel proud. I know she is doing the best she can.
And then it happens, the wave of doubt leaves me sputtering and gasping for air and suddenly 'good enough' is up for debate.
I am a practical woman… I know that wishing is for stars and change comes to those who pursue it. It's just that the sheer overwhelming nature of just living, of desperately trying to create a life worth something, that has meaning, can make my head spin. We had work reviews today, basically a goal setting session for 2012. Even in the midst of all the positives and praise, I fixated on what I should and could be doing better. Nothing motivates me like success - and not success tied with financial prosperity (although who wouldn't love a great Christmas?) - but success intrinsically tied to doing my job(s) well, pleasing my boss and colleagues and furthering their belief in me...but all of this, to me the greatest success is being HAPPY.
Please, please... let me one day be successful...
In these moments where good enough no longer feels like enough…I need to stop and breathe. I need to figure out if the voice that is convicting me is the voice of truth, calling me in earnest to step up my game…or, if it is the voice of doubt whose sole purpose is to undermine my core. I need to respond to the truth. I need to turn up my iPod on doubt.
So will I ever race again? Does it even matter if I do, really? Will I think less of myself if I choose to quit? Will I live with the sting of regret if, for the first time in my life, I give in to fear? I'm not sure I have the answers to those questions... But in the still of the night...when it is quiet...and dark....and loneliness jumps into her side of the bed ... I sigh heavily as I force the calming ideal in my head...
It is indeed possible to be good enough in the midst of trying to be better.
And then it happens, the wave of doubt leaves me sputtering and gasping for air and suddenly 'good enough' is up for debate.
I am a practical woman… I know that wishing is for stars and change comes to those who pursue it. It's just that the sheer overwhelming nature of just living, of desperately trying to create a life worth something, that has meaning, can make my head spin. We had work reviews today, basically a goal setting session for 2012. Even in the midst of all the positives and praise, I fixated on what I should and could be doing better. Nothing motivates me like success - and not success tied with financial prosperity (although who wouldn't love a great Christmas?) - but success intrinsically tied to doing my job(s) well, pleasing my boss and colleagues and furthering their belief in me...but all of this, to me the greatest success is being HAPPY.
Please, please... let me one day be successful...
In these moments where good enough no longer feels like enough…I need to stop and breathe. I need to figure out if the voice that is convicting me is the voice of truth, calling me in earnest to step up my game…or, if it is the voice of doubt whose sole purpose is to undermine my core. I need to respond to the truth. I need to turn up my iPod on doubt.
So will I ever race again? Does it even matter if I do, really? Will I think less of myself if I choose to quit? Will I live with the sting of regret if, for the first time in my life, I give in to fear? I'm not sure I have the answers to those questions... But in the still of the night...when it is quiet...and dark....and loneliness jumps into her side of the bed ... I sigh heavily as I force the calming ideal in my head...
It is indeed possible to be good enough in the midst of trying to be better.
13 comments:
"It is indeed possible to be good enough in the midst of trying to be better" - love this.
Damn woman, you think WAY too much haha.
I wake up every day of my life loving life and ready to tackle the day. The day before, my past, it is exactly that, the past. I am an "in the moment" person, I seek pleasure and fulfillment this way.
Why do I race? Because I need to know my body's limits. I need to know what my breaking point is. Running wise, I know where that line is but I am afraid to reach it.
I think you need to learn to be a bit selfish. Screw what anyone/everyone thinks of you. Yeah you were pro, so what. You wake up and put your panties on like everyone else does... wait a sec... uhhh you get what I mean haha. If racing makes you happy, pursue it. If coaching makes you happy pursue it. Life is too short to not enjoy every day to it's fullest.
In my mind, racing does not make a person. Everyone says, you can train all you want but if you don't prove it on race day then it doesn't matter. This is a lie. The journey to make it to race day is what is important.
Enjoy the journey. Smile at the person in the mirror. Do one thing every day for YOU.
Just don't go back to being a fat ass... been there, done that, wasn't fun ;)
Do not fear, I think tons of us go through this, especially "we" who race and compete. I know I do. When I have those moments, I step outside myself and look at me from another persons point of view. Most people would love to say that can swim, bike and run but they usually don't. Push yourself and be proud of whatever comes of that!
We are our own worst critics. You are living in a world where you are loved for being better than "just good enough". Remember that! :)
xo
I struggle with the same thoughts and doubts all the time. I fear that my best days are behind me, that I'll somehow embarrass myself or fall short of expectations. Then I have to remind myself that the only person who puts expectations on me... is me. And then I tell me to chill out, to relax and enjoy the journey.
Success is relative...we are all successful in our own right. Success should not be judged by what others think of your accomplishments, but what you think of your own accomplishments. You can be the President of the United States, and everyone can hate you, but that doesn't mean you are not a success. Just do what makes you happy...live for yourself and work toward achieving those goals you have set for yourself...not for others. I know alot of people who would do anything to have spent a day in your shoes come race day. Look back at all that you have accomplished and be proud of it! You ARE a success!
I knew Jacqueline won Boston and set a marathon world record, did not know how much work went into persuading the IOC to let women run.. truly a remarkable woman.
why race ?
my reasons are much like Jamie's. "I think we can improve our imitation of sanity."
You are deep woman.... so deep I bet you have the answer to this...
that lint that grows in your belly button... you know the stuff, does it grow less if you try to throw a swim in each morning?
Great post! Love that last line too! Very true. We are so hard on ourselves most of the time. It's great to process this kind of stuff, but come out on the other side knowing that we are more than we give ourselves credit for. You have done more than most people have dreamed, I'm sure!
All I know is that you have several athletes who would say you are much more than good enough. You are an amazing teacher, leader, mentor, coach, and friend.
That vision of the old woman running is just awesome.
You are such a beautiful writer.
I know lots of amazing athletes that do not race. They just choose not to. That is totally OK. If you someday decide to, then cool. If you don't, then that is cool too.
You. Are a success.
Indeed, these are all things I struggle with all of the time: have I made the right decisions; do I do enough? The answer lies in those days when you hop out of bed, look yourself in the mirror, and feel fulfilled. It sounds like you have those days; therefore, it is more than good enough. It is exactly as it should be.
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