Blind Dates and Latin Lovers

The Dating World.  Once again, single women: unite!   Gawd how I hate dating.   It is the greatest thing EVER when you meet someone with whom you feel a mutual connection.  But finding THAT .... ugggg, the ongoing nightmare.   

I realize I should be more positive in approach about this ......... and trust me when I say if my overriding emotion wasn't optimism I would have removed myself from these wastes of time glorious opportunities long ago ........... but let's just remember I am jaded due to copious experience.  Not assumption.  Experience.   

It’s not to say that I’ve become disenchanted or disillusioned, because that would imply I had grandiose illusions and, um, enchantments to begin with. Is ‘enchantments’ really the word I’m looking for?  Because short of stewing toad legs and newt eyes in my spare time, I can’t say as I’ve ever let myself be enchanted by much of anything - or when I have, pain has been soon to follow.  I’m nothing if not a realist.  Maybe a very optimistic realist, but a realist nonetheless. I’m aware that kittens get run over, puppies are bludgeoned and little old ladies have their life savings stolen by men of ill repute, men who normally lack a full set of teeth. 

Nonetheless, I am out there, my friends, and let me tell you, it is a scary, scary sight.   Adhering to the optimistic notion that "you never know...", I am hurling myself back into battle with the latest blind date.  Arm yourself, Sharpie.  It's a brutal bloodbath.  

A couple days ago my friend Kim calls me.  

Kim:  "I want you to meet my Veterinarian.  He is awesome. He did surgery on my dog's hip!"

Already I am skeptical.

Me:  "A Vet?  You know why people become Veterinarians?  Because they can't relate to HUMANS!"

Kim: "Ha!  Sharpie!  Nooooo....   He is funny!   He is from South America - so you may be getting yourself a Latin Lover!"

What is this, 'Sex And The City: Season 7'?   Who "gets a lover" outside of the HBO Sitcom?  

Me: "Oh Good LORD.  That's all I need - some guy's mangy paws all over me right from the start.  Gross.  Does he even speak English??"

 Kim: "YES!  Okay, there's a thick accent but I think you'll understand him."

You think I will??

Kim:  "He is great. He did veterinary surgery in San Francisco and NY, he is smart and successful - how bad could he be?"

Here we go.  Exactly.  Spoken like a true non-single woman!

Me: "Kim!  How BAD can he be?  Setting the lowest possible standard and then determining how far from the bottom this guy is is not the optimal approach to ideal mate selection."  

Kim: *Laughs*   "Look.  He is funny and likes to make people laugh.  You are funny and like to make people laugh.  Win-win right there.  He is calling you later.  And you're going!"

Several hours pass......later I get a call from The Latin Lover.    We exchange the initial awkward pleasantries, but truth be told we have an upbeat, fun conversation.   How could we not - combine an Italian girl with a dude from South America?? .... OPA!!!  .....  and I am able to decipher his quite good English amid his heavy accent.   He is smart and engaging.

However, he is most definitely LATINO.... sorry, but how do stereotypes become stereotypes?

Urban dictionary defines the Latin Lover: The best men out there... they're not only very sensual and manly (unlike All-American men) but they're gorgeous, with warm golden skin, dark bedroom eyes and full lips. Most are hot but those men are so sexy with their rich ethnic accents.

And....

Dark Little men from latin america who think they are good in bed, most of the women they get are fat and ugly but that is sexy by latin standards;  these men will have sex with farm animals they are so desperate and barbaric

Lovely.  Back to our phone call.  Among his and my exchanges:

Him:  "Are you going to wear a short dress with heels for me?"

Me:  "Ummmm, no.  I'll be in jeans and a sweater, amigo.   This is BOULDER.   But I will shower."

The Latin Lover laughs.

and...

Him:  "You'll go salsa dancing with me?"

Me:  "Hell no."  < aren't I fun?  naaa, I was teasing with him - he laughed. >   

Him:  "Maybe you'll come with me to Vail when I go skiing.  Do you ski?"

Already the vacation invite?  The Latin Lover doesn't waste time.

Me:  "Nope, I don't ski.  But I am great in the lodge!"

Him:  "And maybe you'll be in the bathtub in our Penthouse Suite?"

Okay, funny boy.  Damn Latinos!  It's always about this, isn't it?  :)   Thankfully, years of experience have taught me well.  I know how to handle these chaps and keep their jet engines cooled.

Me: "I'm a swimmer.  I don't sit in water unnecessarily.   And my hotel suite would be MINE, Casanova."

Him:  "Ooohhhh... haaa haaaa, I am just kidding Carole, just kidding.  Testing your humor..."

:)  Uh huh.  Testing the humor alright.  I've got his ethnic charm completely figured out, and I will not be caught off guard.

So............. I will be meeting The Latin Lover for a glass of wine... and, somehow, I am envisioning this:

This will be us!


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