We decided to try to rent a wedding date for me (yes, yes, rent a man) .... or at least find a way to get me laughing by pretending we were. We were damned determined to find a way to make this ongoing situation laughable. By the time we were almost finished wine bottle #2, our collective brainstorming had found it's path and we were ready for action.
We initiated The
Grand Sub-Par Wedding Date Experiment of 2011.
Step 1: Put an ad up on Craig's List for 72-hours to see what you get:
Do you like vodka and Polish sausage?
A 40 year old attractive female looking for date to Polish-themed wedding in 4 weeks.
Must be able to initiate awkward, possibly offensive, conversations that may end in drinks being thrown in people's faces. Bonus points for real or feigned physical ticks or mild Tourette syndrome to make people I don't like uncomfortable.
Alcoholics and native Eastern-Europeans welcome. Trendy Euro mullets or Flock-of-Seagulls haircuts appreciated. If you're gay, that's OK, I just want a hot man on my arm as my night's trophy.
Please send a picture so I may judge you on your physical appearance. 'Tis the season!
Step 2: Wait for the replies to come pouring in.
And, man alive!, did they pour in. We received 14 within the span of 36 hours, 13 of which were accompanied by photographs and not all ugly! And I must say, while some of the responses scared the sh*t out of me, there were a couple that actually made me pause for a (split) second before deciding not to reply. Also, it was kind of amazing to see the multicultural response our little ad elicited for a Polish wedding. We received responses from:
- 2 black men (one American and the other from Africa);
- 1 Hispanic guy;
- 1 dude from "the Mediterranean region";
- 1 "fellow Euro trash" guy;
- 1 man who gave no information other than the fact that he goes by the name of "Kingmast";
- 7 various white dudes from the Denver metropolitan area; and
- 1 Middle Eastern fellow.
But on to the best part! In no particular order, here is a random sampling of some of our more entertaining responses and, of course, my reply email.
Him: I love vodka, I love sausage, and I will dance to polkas. My mom even played the accordian. I have the bona fides! I don't actually have Tourette's, but I admired Andy Kaufman's alter ego Tony Clifton, and I have improvisational comedy experience. ... Please advise! Patrick
Dear Patrick: Your resume sounds quite impressive, as is the photo you attached of yourself dressed up like the Cure's Robert Smith. Thank you also for informing that your "skin is not naturally that pale."
Him: I'm 24 and live in Aurora, CO. I don't have trouble meeting woman, its just most of my opportunities to meet new women our at bars, and those aren't the type of people I want to potentially date. And thats why I decided to check out craigslist. --Mike
Dear Mike: Wait, so let me get this straight. You're above meeting chicks you meet at bars but cool with going out with a sick freak who posted an ad requesting her date have Tourette syndrome? Yes? Oh, OK cool. Just wanted to make sure. PS -- Your command of English grammar and punctuation is superb.
Him: Well hello there fellow Euro trash, the polska party sounds like it'll be a blast... feed me a few drinks and I can be as much of 'that guy' as you can handle... have you seen the tourettes boy before? Wow I almost peed my pants. I am headed home for the holidays and am definitely looking to break back into the sophisticated Denver scene... this looks like the perfect opportunity... Tim
Dear Tim: I like that you're Eurotrash. That sh*t is tight. Your incontinence, however, could prove to be a party foul. Yet I am impressed with your ironic sense of humor -- "sophisticated Denver scene." LOL! Good one. One last question -- this "Tourette's boy" you speak of, is he free?
I love vodka! -- Zach
Dear Zach: I am stoked you love vodka. I love vodka too. But I am concerned that you may not be old enough to imbibe this libation we both so very much adore. But call me in three years.
Him: Hi. I actually do not like Vodca, I am a scotch man. OK, Here is the deal, if you need a date and/or if you would like to hook me up with one beautiful girl, I will come. And after the party in the evening the drinks will be on me. Sounds Like fun... Asrat
Dear Asrat: Actually, that sounds like the opposite of fun. No.
Him: Nothing like a big buck ni**er hanging out, clogging arteries and getting drunk with a couple of pollacks. -- Edward
Dear Edward: You are clearly a very elegant and eloquent man. Move the f*ck over Robert Frost, Edward's sh*t is so much tighter. But for serious, Edward, I'm guessing maybe you actually do have Tourette's? If so, then you, sir, are invited.
Him: Asshole! --Tariq
Carole's Response (never sent):
Dear Tariq: You had me at "ass." Your addition of "hole" shows me you care. You, sir, are hilarious on so many different levels. I mean, am I the asshole? Is that the Tourette's? You really got me thinking. And LOLing! Will you marry me?
Step 3: The Conclusion
As tempted as I was to actually write Tariq back, I decided against it. Now, before you get all riled up about my lack of follow-through, let me assure you that I came one click away from letting the proverbial Polish gowno hit the fan. But then Hilary talked me out of it. We'd had our fun...it was time to end the Reindeer games.
But to be brief like my new hero, Tariq, we decided against bringing any of these assholes as my date. And so I shall enjoy my vodka and Polish sausage alone, amid wedded bliss with my married friends, before I jet to the fertility clinic to freeze my eggs and later to Petco to buy 11 cats.