Men, once again - be glad you're MEN. I'm not suggesting you have no hardships, but let's call a spade a spade. As a general rule, it's the women who take the brunt of living.
Let me play out a recent morning's event for you.
9am. Bikini wax.
I am horizontal, naked from waist down, on table. No sheet to cover me, just sort of hanging out, no pun intended.
Aesthetician (aka - "the waxer") walks in, pushing cart with all kinds of wands and scrapers and tissues and cotton and a huge steaming bowl - which I can only assume is the hot lava about to boil my skin.
I don't have naked issues (swimmers usually don't) but I am not some exhibitionist either. I am marginally uncomfortable just sort of being exposed in a non-medicinal environment with a stranger, so I start to jabber and make conversation to alleviate my discomfort. She basically ignores me. Like a militant Russian, she grabs one of my knees and with force pulls it toward her so my legs are spread. (At least kiss me first?)
Without a word, Waxer rubs my crotch firmly with an anti-bacterial cloth. I try to get in the mood but somehow this isn't the fantasy I dream of.
Waxer: "This will burn".
No build up, no preparation, no hellos or smiles, just getting right down to business. I felt like a cheap prostitute in a foreign country. No foreplay, no talking, just immediate pounding.
Carole: "Ummm. Ok".
She clumps a heaping spoonful of boiling hot wax on my inner thighs as I hear my skin sear and crinkle.
Carole: "OUUUUUU"!!!
Waxer:
Indeed.
She pats a long white cloth strip onto the wax and with a swift tug, yanks that sucker off with no mercy.
Carole: "YEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"!!!!!!!!!!
I notice some fur, clumps of skin and blood on the white cloth. I should have had a shot of whiskey before this torture.
Then she repeats procedure for other side.
Waxer: "All done" ... And she wisks out the door, never once even looking me in the eye.
Carole: "Thank you"... (I echo as the door closes behind her. If nothing else, I am always still polite) ....
I pull some soft pajama shorts up, commando style... no way I am wearing underwear right now ... and try to ignore the ripped skin and blood oozing from the sides of my legs... and I slowly walk out of there, hunched over, with a gait that makes me look like I'd been gang raped by a troop of baboons.
"A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax."
- Rita Rudner -
And how was your morning????
12 comments:
I get it... no one wants to see Chewbacca coming out of your swim suit... but seriously you intrigue me in this post to try this at some point haha!
I think I see a fundraiser opportunity coming up for me :)
Sadly, I think you took half of my comments away like, "What, no foreplay?".
However, in contrast to your claim that you got the brunt of life w/ this post... try peeing in a urinal (when you REALLLLLLY have to go, like sprinting to the bathroom have to go) and only the middle urinal is left open. At which point you take it and the ding bat next to you starts talking to you, totally messing with your Chi and causing you to become pee shy as you stand there in immense pain and frustration.
You see, you got it easy, you get doors in your stalls... any one can do the deed when they aren't being stared in the face by the doofus next to them!
So don't go complaining to me about having it all bad when you are laying naked on a table and getting serviced w/ no emotional attachment involved ;)
On a side note, hope the gaping wounds heal up fast hahaha! Do you only get a bikini wax on a rest day?
I had a Brazilian once, notice I say ONCE.
Oh, and by Brazilian, that would be Brazilian WAX not a Brazilian man (that's another story and definitely not just once!)
Reason 5,209 that I have yet to wax anything. OW!!
No way would I ride a bike after that shit!
And completely random question...how does one get into the bikini waxing business? Like, did you do really good at eyebrows and get a promotion? Or is it a demotion?
Random thoughts for the day...
LOL - this was hilarious, made my morning.
I'm not sure what is funnier: your story or the comments. Hilarious.
Way to stick up for the men Matt. And who is that a-hole that stands at the urinal and wants you to dissect War and Peace. Without ever reading it I know what it's about as it's in the title.....leave me alone I'm trying to pee here.
I have never experienced a bikini wax and after reading that post I am 100% positive I never will! Mental images GO AWAY!!!!
The only thing that would have added to this story would be my own personal experience (the one and only time I did this) - the good news is that my "waxer" was my regular stylist (which actually made it more wierd since she "knows" me). But let's just say it had been a while since I had...um...groomed. The hair was too long (approaching chewbaca, but not braidable yet) and she had to first do some...um...trimming before the waxing. I was so mortified. Now I know to shave a week before the wax so as to not have to break out the trimmers.
Wow you even paid to be SO violated. I have yet to do the bikini wax, but I would in a heartbeat. I've also considered the landing strip or some sort of design - a heart maybe so someone could be a heart breaker? Would you do it again?
You feel rip!!! bahahah
...wow is all I can muster. Sharpie you are a brave woman. I don't think I could do this. What is the benefit to the woman? We already buy cute little things that cost a fortune at VS to parade around in and shave our legs and armpits. I am not going here. lol! A razor will suffice.
Yikes! Save your waxing for Portland--wax On gives you shots at the door--literally! Takes the edge off for sure.
I literally have tears running down my face because of this post and the comments. I'm not brave enough to get waxed - my eyebrows are as far as I will go. And I'm with Mandy... do you aspire to do bazillions or is that a demotion?
Hope the skin heals fast! :)
OMG. I could not have said it better myself! Next tme - go to Happy Hour first, have some wonderful cocktails, and then make your way back to the pain cave. :)
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