All I do is sound pathetic and like a whiner. There is no way I would have been able to help someone with this --- and if it weren't happening to me, there would be no way I could begin to understand.
Saturday, I went out to ride again. Just keep getting back out there, Carole.
This ride was a nightmare. Within the first 30 min I was heading to Left Hand Cyn (along Hwy 36) and I wasn't prepared for the gusty wind. One gust slid me into the gravel - right off the road - and though I did NOT crash, it scared the crap out of me in my already nervous state. I was out of control and slid. I was scared shitless. I had to dismount the bike to settle down. 5 min later I got back on but turned around to ride more "in town" where not as windy as 36. But I was never able to calm down. I was not able to get comfortable with speeds high enough to get any sort of quality ride going. Every downhill was a death grip.
Once in a while there was a long stretch of flat road where I got things going - so there'd be 2min-5min sections of good riding, but not many.
I mostly just rode and tried to just get comfortable again being out there and riding on rollers. I never went aero - scared me to death. I think the rollers here, people going by me and startling me, just utterly freaked me out.
I am trying to be positive and also patient with myself.......this was my 2nd ride outside in Boulder on a road bike (tri bike) since the latest crash. I have to believe it will get better and I know I need to keep getting out there. I will keep trying, and keep being as positive as I can be. But this really is a nightmare.
I got home from ride on Saturday and was hopelessly discouraged. I still ran off the bike for about 20 min but tears were in my eyes the whole time - so I wouldn't exactly call this day a quality workout. I just don't know how I will ever be comfortable enough to "RACE" again. I am trying and I realize my desire to race is up to me. No one is forcing me to do it.
The last portion of the ride, as I was nearing home, I kept thinking to myself, "This isn't FUN anymore. Why am I putting myself through this? I don't HAVE to do this!" I would then yell back at myself, frustratingly, reminding myself this is among my first rides back and I need to be patient and give Carole a break.
I just don't want to QUIT. That's what it would be. But I also don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to be in hospitals anymore. I don't want broken bones and a broken spirit and a broken heart. Can't I please have more than this? Just for a while - just for a short, tiny while? Can't I just be happy. Haven't I earned this and don't I deserve it? Haven't I paid more than my share of dues?
I've had a couple things happen recently on a personal level that have left me truly questioning my ability/role/value (?) as an athlete. My spirit has been crushed, and I know that's not helping. Now I don't really know WHAT to do. I have always thought if you are not happy doing something then why do it? But this is somehow bigger than that. This is about conquering, this is about not giving up. At this point it really isn't about being "happy". Or is it? Should it be? I have no idea. I feel utterly lost. I do know there are a list of things I hold very close to my heart, that I am SO PROUD I DID, that I never would have done had my goal in the moment been to "be happy".
I just feel like this obstacle in front of me is bigger than I can handle. So does that mean give up or keep going? Both options are wrong - and also right.
I've never dealt with something like this before where the outcome of things has been PHYSICAL TRAUMA. It changes the perspective.
So............my ride Saturday was just...I don't know what it was. Or what matters.
I'm trying. More than anyone could possibly imagine I am trying.