All I do is sound pathetic and like a whiner. There is no way I would have been able to help someone with this --- and if it weren't happening to me, there would be no way I could begin to understand.
Saturday, I went out to ride again. Just keep getting back out there, Carole.
This ride was a nightmare. Within the first 30 min I was heading to Left Hand Cyn (along Hwy 36) and I wasn't prepared for the gusty wind. One gust slid me into the gravel - right off the road - and though I did NOT crash, it scared the crap out of me in my already nervous state. I was out of control and slid. I was scared shitless. I had to dismount the bike to settle down. 5 min later I got back on but turned around to ride more "in town" where not as windy as 36. But I was never able to calm down. I was not able to get comfortable with speeds high enough to get any sort of quality ride going. Every downhill was a death grip.
Once in a while there was a long stretch of flat road where I got things going - so there'd be 2min-5min sections of good riding, but not many.
I mostly just rode and tried to just get comfortable again being out there and riding on rollers. I never went aero - scared me to death. I think the rollers here, people going by me and startling me, just utterly freaked me out.
I am trying to be positive and also patient with myself.......this was my 2nd ride outside in Boulder on a road bike (tri bike) since the latest crash. I have to believe it will get better and I know I need to keep getting out there. I will keep trying, and keep being as positive as I can be. But this really is a nightmare.
I got home from ride on Saturday and was hopelessly discouraged. I still ran off the bike for about 20 min but tears were in my eyes the whole time - so I wouldn't exactly call this day a quality workout. I just don't know how I will ever be comfortable enough to "RACE" again. I am trying and I realize my desire to race is up to me. No one is forcing me to do it.
The last portion of the ride, as I was nearing home, I kept thinking to myself, "This isn't FUN anymore. Why am I putting myself through this? I don't HAVE to do this!" I would then yell back at myself, frustratingly, reminding myself this is among my first rides back and I need to be patient and give Carole a break.
I just don't want to QUIT. That's what it would be. But I also don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to be in hospitals anymore. I don't want broken bones and a broken spirit and a broken heart. Can't I please have more than this? Just for a while - just for a short, tiny while? Can't I just be happy. Haven't I earned this and don't I deserve it? Haven't I paid more than my share of dues?
I've had a couple things happen recently on a personal level that have left me truly questioning my ability/role/value (?) as an athlete. My spirit has been crushed, and I know that's not helping. Now I don't really know WHAT to do. I have always thought if you are not happy doing something then why do it? But this is somehow bigger than that. This is about conquering, this is about not giving up. At this point it really isn't about being "happy". Or is it? Should it be? I have no idea. I feel utterly lost. I do know there are a list of things I hold very close to my heart, that I am SO PROUD I DID, that I never would have done had my goal in the moment been to "be happy".
I just feel like this obstacle in front of me is bigger than I can handle. So does that mean give up or keep going? Both options are wrong - and also right.
I've never dealt with something like this before where the outcome of things has been PHYSICAL TRAUMA. It changes the perspective.
So............my ride Saturday was just...I don't know what it was. Or what matters.
I'm trying. More than anyone could possibly imagine I am trying.
11 comments:
Keep your head up and mix up your training with a fun impulsive workout! We all love your spirit and drive especially with Rev3 and Trakkers! Enjoy Portland and remember the quote: "keep calm and carry on"!
Hugs Mama Bear, I feel for you! You have such passion that I just imagine you will figure out what is right for you and I do think you got to do what makes you happy!
Just getting back in the saddle is a huge victory right now. Reflect on that because it really is an accomplishment. I cannot even imagine what you are going through but do know that you are a badass and will overcome.
I think it was Churchill who said,"If you're going through hell, keep going." Smart dude!
I've been reading your blog for a while (I don't comment much) and would like to say thank you for the inspiration. I am petrified of crashing, to the point of being slower on the downhills than the uphills. So, while I truly wish you had never crashed, I appreciate you sharing your experience. Did you try going out on a "normal" road bike? The triathlon bikes seem to have such an aggressive position.
You got back on - that is the hardest part. There will be TONS of races, so take your time. No use racing and being frustrated.
Thanks for all you do to help the team! I really appreciate it.
Carole - I understand your frustration, a little. My accident was self-inflicted (mtb crash), and it was only a shoulder injury. On top of other annoying injuries, I came to terms with the thought that I had decades of a lot of success as a swimmer and some as a triathlete. And most important in my life is to be able to be active and fit. forever. not necessarily to be a competitive athlete. So once I came to terms with that, it really lifted a big weight off my shoulders. And now I just exercise to be active and healthy. And in the back of my mind I know if things heal up, I may compete again. But if it doesn't happen, I can be happy with what I had, and with where I am. You don't have to define yourself as a competitive athlete. You have had huge success as an athlete, but even more importantly (and this is just my observation from reading your blog, I've never even met you), you are a person who makes people smile and laugh. And truly, there is nothing better than being able to be that kind of person.
I hope you find the fun again, on the bike, on the run, in the pool. or elsewhere. You deserve it!
Hugs - xoxoxo
You are one of the most determined people I know ... give yourself some time to decide whether the love and passion is still there.
I know it takes me some time just coming back from the offseason to find my groove and to really start enjoying things again, so I can't imagine how tough coming back from 2 scary crashes would be, but if anyone can do it, you can!
Wow... thank you for sharing this. I have no idea what you're going through. But it does sound like you're putting enormous pressure on yourself. As an outsider I don't see this huge either/or choice... right now it's just a one day at a time thing. Things may look different, clearer, after you push forward just a bit further? My heart goes out to you.
You will always have a a riding buddy here if you need one. Whatever you decide, just keep smiling and being the great person you are!
I wish I could reach out and give you a huge hug. I hate that your road has been so long, so challenging and so painful. You're a wonderful and amazing person whatever path you decide.
Bruce Gottlieb would be a great person to see here in Boulder. He will work with you in his office and then get outside with you on his motor cycle. Really recommend him: http://www.brucegottlieb.net/
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