Biomechanical Nightmare

I don't have much update in terms of progress but I continue to get more information about my body, and I always say information is power.

Dr Mautner referred me to his colleague, Brian Yee, for physical therapy. I already knew my glutes were weak, and my hamstrings were tight -- and that both of these issues were relatively big pieces within the puzzle of problems, but it is becoming clear to me how big they really are. Brian did various exercises and stretches with me, only to shake his head to say bluntly, "You are a biomechanical nightmare, Carole."
"C'mon. Is it that bad?", I asked.
"Yes."


I never thought I would hear that my butt didn't work, but it doesn't. :) My glutes are so dormant, due to years of inactivity (therefore domination of quads and hams) that I am reduced to exercises patients recovering from paralysis are given. I cannot do basic leg lifts without shifting my hips and/or engaging quads or hamstring. The glutes simply are not firing. Right now I am working on movements which are so small, so tiny, they barely seem effective. Yet it is all I can handle and still do them correctly.

The muscle tightness and lack of flexibility is the next relatively huge problem. Brian did some stretches with me and I was surprised by his candor. "Carole, this is really bad. Most athletes have a 50 degree flexion, you have barely 20 degrees."
He went on to tell me without this flexibility, my range of motion limitations have been forcing other muscle groups to engage. When aero on the bike, the nonexistent glutes are calling upon the hamstring to engage even more, but they are too tight to do much, so what is left? Quads and back. This partly explains why my quads can move mountains... and, why my back has exploded. I haven't stretched much in years, mostly due to listening to the suggestions that it wasn't helpful. For some it may not be. Some may not need it. My body does. The condition my body is in now, the extreme lack of flexibility in my hip flexors, glutes, and hamstrings is currently a problem quite large. It may not have mattered much if my job wasn't one which involved extreme physical fitness, but, it was. Thankfully, it is fixable.

So now it seems 2008 will be the year of rebuild and strengthen. It is the year of rehab, quite literally. Yes, it's all a bit frustrating, but I am happy answers are coming. I believe my body was rapidly headed towards complete breakdown. Thankfully I seem to have caught some things in sufficient time to make corrections that won't damage my daily living long term.

I have no idea if I will race this season. I hope to, but at this point I don't know. I won't be on my bike for another month, at best. I've been teasing my friends, "Do you think being off my bike for 5 months will be bad for my bike fitness?" I'm really trying not to think about racing right now, I am focused on getting myself healthy. Maybe 2009 will be a year I come back with a vengeance... or maybe I enjoy triathlon as a spectator and never race again.

The funny thing is, either way, I don't care. I don't mean that as a callous jab, I mean that as the ultimate sign of health. I have loved triathlon. Truly I have, in ways I would never be able to explain. It revived my life, got me out of an abusive relationship, and has given me a platform from which I have been able to do good for others. But it has hurt me, too. Too much of one thing isn't healthy. Even Disney World - if it's all you did each day, every day, it's all everyone around you talked about, your vocabulary had been reduced to only Mickey Mouse and cotton candy, even Disney World would break you.

So, I'm going to follow my body and my heart, and will be sure they are aligned...

Awakenings....

6:15am this morning, my phone rings.

???! Other than my swim coach, Tim Storsteen, who has been known to call at 5am to be sure my lame-ass is getting up for swimming :), not really anyone calls me this early. I was awake but hibernating under 16lbs of down comforter... I grabbed the phone and pulled it under the covers with me... "hellllo?" I mumbled.

It's Gollnick. And she's cheery and LOUD, as usual. :)
"Hi Sharpie!"
I heard her smiling on the other end and all I could think about was wanting Starbucks.
"You're nuts, Heather..."
"I just got back from the race in Chile. I'm in the Miami Airport waiting for my 9am flight. I knew you'd be up. How are you, girl???"
We've done training stints together so she knows I am an early bird.

Then... 7:30am. Phone rings. ???, again!

It's Paolina Allan. She is not as chipper :) but she is hanging tough in the early hours. She wanted to reach me before I left for the day. We got caught up on a lot of good girl chat, and we talked about her impending marriage to her longtime boyfriend, Steve Fleck. (!!) Steve is so great, I am happy she is with someone so supportive and who is such a good partner to her. They are getting married in March in Polly's native Scotland. CONGRATS to them!

So...........
Sometimes things come to us in a whisper. Other times on a screaming freight train.

A couple days ago I stumbled onto a GREAT quote:
"Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up.
It knows that it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.
It doesn't matter whether you're a lion or a gazelle -
When the sun comes up you'd better be running."
(But, unless you're a runner, you won't understand.)
-Anonymous-

I thought it was funny. I also knew I was the gazelle in this scenario. :) Later that day, I stumbled upon this SAME quote through a totally random source. I thought it was a bit odd to see this again, but laughed at its content and shook it off.

A few hours later I was attending the monthly meeting for my running club (Chattahoochie Running Club) and this SAME quote appeared during the guest speaker presentation. (!!!!) THREE TIMES IN ONE DAY??
I laughed silently. "Ok", I thought to myself, "I get the message..."

Sometimes they come in whispers... sometimes in freight trains... but they come.

It's time to run, Sharps. Really run. So, the next day I rallied. It was NASTY outside. It was maybe 30 degrees and rainy, with some wind which made it worse. Just yucky. I layered up in my snazzy Mizuno clothes and headed to the River. When I arrived and parked my car, I noted the normally full lot was empty. There was 1 other car! No other fools wanted to deal with this mess! :)

I pulled down my knit cap, put on the gloves and out I went... as I started my run, I noted the frost coming from my mouth as I exhaled. The air was so crisp and the dirt path was so beautiful with the River flowing next to me. It made me feel alive.
As the minutes ticked on and no one was out there, I smiled to myself as I felt some of the old Carole again. I felt some renewed vigor knowing I was out there, for 3 miles or 17 miles, 7min pace or 10min pace - WHO CARES? - I was out there when no one else wanted to be. Other people were on treadmills, I was out there absorbing discomfort. It wasn't unbearable. It was 30 degrees, not like a negative wind chill factor. But, still, I let myself soak in the pride. Normally this place is packed, but today was empty. Except for me.

On this day, only to me, that mattered.

Bitch-slapping

I thought this was pretty funny. I was talking with JZ, telling her about the latest doctor visits, PT, how I was feeling, etc. I told her I was increasing my running in line with doctor approval; she seemed to agree with that decision. I then asked what she thought about me doing a 5k in a couple weeks, "for fun". I mentioned several of my athletes were doing the Tybee 1/2 and there was a 5k associated with it. I thought it'd be fun to do. "What do you think about me doing it?", I asked.

Without missing a beat, completely deadpan she answered, "Not a chance in Hell."

I laughed into the phone, saying ok. There was no discussion about it, just her blunt response. She is always so direct and isn't swayed in the slightest by my ridiculous notions, even the things I truly want to do. It makes me laugh how she just bitch-slaps me, without hesitation, right back into reality. I wouldn't ask for her advice if I didn't expect to take it. So no 5k.

Snow in Atlanta?

Recently my dear friend, Liz (I've affectionately nicknamed 'Lizard'), blew through Atlanta from DC to defend her dissertation. I was able to spend a couple days with her staying at my house; it was wonderful to have her around. I think she will now have to answer to the moniker, 'Dr Lizard'. :)

This week was crazy in Atlanta... "winter storm" for us. Flurries that accumulated maybe an inch but people went nutzo with snowball fights, sledding down any incline they could find, and stocking up on canned goods as if we were headed for a bomb shelter. Southerners! :)

Seeing Dr Mautner this week was great. I have a couple degenerative discs, one of which he said was bulging. He didn't seem convinced this was the entire root of the problem, but does think this is a portion. He put me on Celebrex for a week to reduce the massive inflammation and referred me to his colleague, Brian Yee, a PT who specializes in core and spinal physical therapy. This seems to be phase one of intervention. In a week we assess what is next based on initial reactions.

This week I also discovered something I am embarrassed to acknowledge happened. I should have known better. ? My measurements were taken and we determined, without any error, that I have been riding a bike not right for the size of my body (inseam, leg length, torso, etc.). Thanks to Tony for confirming the measurements, and confirming I have been riding something very wrong for me. JZ told me to check measurements; she was concerned I had been fit to the bike, not vice versa. Once again, she was right.

Add my weak glutes, tight hamstrings and intense muscle imbalances to the picture and
pieces are finally coming together. It doesn't change anything, but it helps direct my course towards fixing it.

JZ sternly advised, "You do NOT get on that bike again. Not even for a second." Her tough, no-nonsense advice I really respond to. No gray area. I like precision and clarity.

I have not been given the green light to ride. That is still out for perhaps another month. But I am allowed to run and am up to 4x week of 45:00. I also swam almost 10k this week. Things are not pain free, but they are better. So that is great.

But I can't say I am chomping at the bit to get back to training. I can't explain the lack of enthusiasm to return that I am feeling. Physically I want to be well, certainly, but triathlon? I think I'm scared to go through such efforts to get whole again, bust my ass, return to the isolated lifestyle, only to get hurt, not necessarily physically, in the end. Usually our fears are bred from some related experience. We become afraid to put our hand on a stove because we have felt the burning pain associated with it. Since I know what I will be walking back into, I am (perhaps?) apprehensive to get back to it. This suggestion was questioned by my sports psychologist and I've spent serious time contemplating his theory. I don't think reluctance to return makes me crazy - frankly, I think it indicates I am sane.

The other day at swimming I shared a lane with Alex Lonnergan. She's an incredibly nice person, and VERY talented. She won the overall amateur title at St Croix 70.3, beating most of the pros in the process. I asked what her plans were for the season and she answered quite casually, "Oh, I retired." I was stunned. I asked if she was ok and she said, "Yeah, triathlon just took over my life too much. I'm having fun now." I told her how sad I was to hear that because she was so talented, but how smart I thought she was. I meant it, too, and thought about her for most of the day.

But, the dichotomy - I do love triathlon, or I love what it has done for me. It has allowed me glimpses into the kind of person I was capable of becoming and has taught me a work ethic and a toughness I rely upon almost exclusively. Triathlon has forced me to deal head-on with my inadequacies and terrors with no room for tolerance or evasion. Though it has been a long process, I have learned to honor myself for what little I have accomplished in a sport where I am overmatched and out of my league. I never have once approached greatness, but as I steer towards the end of my career, I am still in the race. That's pretty cool.

I will continue to put deep thought into this decision, as I do all others. In the interim, simply getting healthy is my main objective.

This morning was my longest swim since October 3. I swam 3400 at Westminster and felt like an out of shape oaf. Our main set was 5x <200 on 2:30, 2 x 100 on 1:15>. I only made 1 of the 200's. Man. The fitness will come back, I am not as worried about that. But my back certainly was aching by the end. I'm not able to tell if it's the flipturns or the pushing off the wall that does it, but something sets it off.

Yesterday I did an indoor trainer ride for 1 hour - dismounted to the same pain. With seemingly no improvement whatsoever, my frustration is mounting.

Without being able to train right now, it is difficult to plan my season, short-term included. Dede Griesbauer and I have been trying to plan a training trip in Feb, but without knowing what I'll be doing (if anything) all of that is at a standstill. She has been so patient, and will likely have to go at it alone someplace warm, escaping the frigid Boston cold. Likewise, Paolina Allan and I were trying to put something together for the end of Feb/early March when her boyfriend, (Nineteen Wetsuits) Steve Fleck, was planning a business trip to AZ. We were going to tag along with him... well, ok, I was going to tag along with them. :)
I'm not able to plan any of this and it makes me crazy to keep others in limbo.

Not knowing my own course is its own frustration, but when I am affecting others...

Tomorrow I am seeing a highly touted sports med doctor, Ken Mautner, who specializes in spinal related rehabilitation. I'm looking forward to this appointment to get his take on everything.

I was talking to JZ today about the appointment and she cautioned me not to expect all the answers tomorrow, but it'll be good to get more information. This launched into a discussion about physical pain and being able to define 'pain' in tangible terms. How does an elite athlete quantify pain? What is the difference between pain and really bad discomfort - and, simply being a wuss? I'm not sure I have the skills (or knowledge?) required to differentiate.

JZ is away from Boulder right now and made a comment to me about another high-profile pro female she recently rode with for a few hours. Apparently she was just a total bitch to JZ. That crap just pisses me off. First, with how good JoJo has been to me I get really protective and angry at anyone being unkind to her, but also, that bullshit is just so unnecessary. I realize at their level the stakes are much higher - but give me a break! Throw it down during a race, piss on your turf to mark your territory then - but on training rides?? C'Mon. Get over yourself.
This just makes my blood boil.... maybe because I feel it is just so senseless. This person must seriously lack perspective.

I've been doing a bit of volunteering in the oncology ward at a local Atlanta hospital. Perhaps in the next blog I'll write about some of my experiences there. While it is heartbreaking, there has been something so 'authentic' about it. Everything is REAL. People have real moments. Maybe it's true that cancer patients and family members of cancer patients are able to have connections in such visceral capacities that others cannot. Every moment matters to them, they want to live it out the best they can. I haven't done much, I mostly stand back and just observe, feeling humbled and small ... I've been uncharacteristically quiet in the last few months ... much more contemplative, but increasingly so when in this ward. Perhaps it is good for me -- just to stand back, open my eyes, and open my heart. I feel my reserve of patience and forgiveness gently refilling.

It is amazing to me, the older I get the more I realize I have to learn...

Individual Obstacles....

How do you deal with obstacles that cause you to wonder which way to go, or which way to turn? Ever say to yourself, "Am I on the right road or am I heading for a road block, or even a crash?"

The worst thing we can do is freeze and do nothing. Having the courage to keep trying is key to overcoming inertia. This is true even though we may not be 100% sure that our actions are the best, or will yield the outcome we're desiring.

"We know how rough the road will be, how heavy the load will be, we know about the barricades that wait along the track, but we have set our soul ahead upon a certain goal ahead and nothing left from hell to sky shall ever turn us back" (Vince Lombardi).

Chart your course. Stay focused on the goal. Keep going! Keep moving! Knock off each obstacle one at a time. You can do it!

Partner In Crime!

I’m trying to make more of an effort this year to write about things not always triathlon related. I’ll try to dish about non-tri events, too. We’ll see how this entry goes. :)

Unfortunately, this may be one of those ‘you had to be there’ type of stories. I’ll do my best to illuminate how hilarious it was, but you really did have to see it…

My best friend, Dana Henry, invited me to join her as her ‘date’ for a wedding last night. Her husband couldn’t go last-minute so she invited me to go with her. She had joined me the previous weekend at my longtime friend, former ITU pro, Kelly Cook’s, wedding – so perhaps Dana was returning the favor? Or was she punishing me? Ha.

To fully appreciate the story, you have to know Dana. She is probably the funniest person I have ever met, completely willing and able to say ANYTHING in any moment. And I thought I needed an edit button?? Sheeesh.  Dana loves to push buttons to embarrass people/make them laugh for the sheer comedy of it all. Honestly, I think I have met my match!

But anyone can just push buttons – what separates her from being a huge beeyotch and being really funny is that she is genuinely loved, because she is genuinely kind. If she just slammed people all the time we would all hate her… but everyone loves Dana, and with GOOD reason. She’ll make fun of herself first and call herself on her own crap before she teases anyone else. She’s also a devoted wife and mother: her husband Kyle is awesome, and I am in love with her two boys, Cole, 10 and Adam, 4. They are a great family. Who couldn’t love someone like Dana? The fact that she is gorgeous certainly doesn’t hurt her, either. Somehow when a really beautiful, thin, stylish woman rolls up to you with her index finger in your face and says, “Pull my finger” and can back it up, you just gotta love that! :)

So… we’re at the wedding. Everything is prim and proper. We’re minding our manners, engaging in cordial dialog with other guests, and with exception of throwing small grapes at people at other tables, we were behaving appropriately. I should have known everything would soon go south…

We lasted pretty long without a scene. This was pretty good for us. Soon enough a group was gathering on the dance floor as the groom had requested more folks join in, so we decided to help rally the guests out there. The band was great… awesome vocals… they started “the train” and we all jumped on to roam around the room. Dana was behind me and every once in a while kept lifting my dress up! I would shove it down quickly, embarrassed, and smack a giggling Dana. Some of our friends sitting at tables were laughing, but it didn’t seem to horrify the house. So, we’re all dancing …. Dana has her back to the band on the front line, grooving and getting down. In a swift maneuver I tossed up the back of her dress as she’s grinding towards the floor… in that precise moment she was bending over – and in her sexy g-string she was basically mooning (and then some) the entire band behind her with NOTHING left to the imagination…!!

It was the response of the band members that made Dana and I laugh so uncontrollably as we bottled off that dance floor. The female vocalist’s eyes were huge saucers as her mouth hit the floor, the drummer was craning his neck around like a giraffe in a desperate attempt to get a view of her ass, the male vocalist was blotting his head with a cloth while trying to fan himself as he laughed, and the guitarist actually stopped strumming because he was laughing so hard…

IT WAS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dana was such a good sport, and was cracking up through her embarrassment. I could barely stand I was laughing so hard. As we rushed off the dance floor she screamed back, “This is when we leave!” We said some quick goodbyes through our breathless laughter and bolted out of that reception area like we stole something, wondering aloud if we were too immature to be invited to an event of theirs again.

I continue to laugh today whenever the dance floor visual, and the reaction of the band members, comes to mind. Even now I am laughing as I think of it. You really had to see it to get it, but trust me when I tell you it was hilarious. I got messages on my VM today from Dana saying, “I can’t stop giggling every time I think about it…” and then she would laugh again... What a great, humble spirit she has. She is good for me and I am lucky to call her friend.

She is my true partner in crime. Be warned if you invite both of us somewhere. We’ll likely get kicked out. :) But you’re almost guaranteed some good laughs… who among us wouldn’t welcome that?

Cheers!

Don't Mess With Texas

Last week I took a trip to The Woodlands, TX to visit my close friend and Timex Teammate, Kim Hager. Triathlon has brought some wonderful things to my life. Namely, some amazing friendships I have made along the way that will likely be permanent. Hager ranks among the top of that list. This pic above is Kim's daughters: Lauren, doing my hair, and Hanna, preparing the makeup.

I first met Hager in 2003 at the California ½. I was still an age grouper and still trying to qualify for Kona. I was leading the race in the 30-34 AG through mile 3 of the run until a petite cheetah flew by as if I was standing still. I noticed the “31” on her calf and felt my heart drop knowing I had just lost the one slot to Kona… but I also was so impressed by what I had just witnessed that part of me was too much in awe to care about Hawaii. Whoever that chick was, she was amazing. I ended up in 2nd and the “31 calf” beat me by TEN MINUTES. In about 9 miles of running she put 10 minutes on me. I couldn’t even be mad, I was too impressed.

At the awards I introduced myself, told her how amazing she was and that I was now a huge fan. Her name was Kim Hager. I said I was going to be her stalker (!) … She laughed (though probably did think I was a lunatic). I am sure neither of us knew how true my stalker-status would one day be.

She remembers that race and our conversation, and is quick to point out that thanks to her kicking my butt that day, I was forced to race Ironman Lake Placid four months later in my pursuit of the Kona spot. It ended up being the race of my life with a 4th overall finish, and changed my triathlon life forever. Kim still takes credit for the serendipity. :)

We continued to run into one another at future races, but it wasn’t until Timex Team Camp this season that our deep friendship was seared.

My roommate Paolina Allan, Kim and I were inseparable throughout those 4 days. Each morning before the sun rose we three would wander to the local Starbucks a mile away, chatting our mouths off and giggling like school girls. I’m not sure which of us got more air-time but we each fought for it. Those morning trips became our cherished girl time before the team events took over. In the later hours of the day, Kim and I sat together at all the sponsor in-services, team dinners and outings. We continued to giggle constantly, play practical jokes on teammates, and basically behave like a couple of adolescents – it was awesome! Our team manager, Ben Harper, would later write, “Those two were joined at the hip! Anytime you saw Kim you would hear her laughing, and you’d look to see Sharpie right there!”

Hager and I have kept in close contact ever since Camp, and have become true confidants. We decided a visit was in order not too long ago. She sent me a plane ticket as a Christmas present so off I went.

While I wasn’t able to do more than 30:00 runs, Miss Cheetah is trying to qualify for Oly Trials for the marathon …. one of the days she did her 20-mile long run and warmed up at a pedestrian 7:00-7:15 pace (hello!) before she picked things up to race pace: 6:17/mile.
MOTHER OF GOD! I’m sure to most of my readers who are pure runners this pace sounds rational. To someone like me, a non-runner, I can only shake my head in awe. I have never held a 6:17 pace even for a 10k. I don’t think a 5k! That is her marathon pace??? Man, that is awesome. I am really proud of her.

One night I joined the weekly track night for the athletes she coaches. Most of her crew was training for the upcoming Houston Marathon. They did a series of 800m repeats, and they all dusted me. I managed to do 4 of them before puttering out, but I was happy to have done 4. I was so far behind them that I was afraid they were going to laugh at me and ask Kim, “Your friend is a Professional? They’ll take anyone, won’t they?” They were all super nice and tolerated my joking, and they looked really fit, too! Good job, Coach Hager!

But the biggest in-my-face moment was spending time with Kim’s 13-year old daughter, Lauren. I had to take more than a few moments to center myself. Being around Lauren was, in many ways, almost déjà vu. She is beautiful and wise, text messaged her friends non-stop, is confident she knows everything (didn’t we all at 13?), and shouldering some serious elite swimmer burnout. Watching her felt like I was in some time warp and was watching myself almost 25-years ago. She isn't quite yet at the swim ability I was at 13, but she isn't far from it. It was very, very surreal.

One day Kim had to force (literally) Lauren to get her swim in. God, this totally reminded me of my father making me swim. Ugggg! She rolled her eyes, argued and was so pissed off at her mom – GOD, I completely understood her!!!! On this day there was no practice so she had to swim on her own; I decided it would be fun to join her. I was determined to show this half-my-age chick who really ‘wore the speedo’ in this pool (ha!) – but holy shit she kicked my ass! Granted, I haven’t been swimming in months and am completely out of shape, but to Lauren’s credit I reminded myself the type of swimming shape I was in when her age. No way I would’ve kept up with her now regardless of my fitness. One of our sets was 6 x 200IM and my only objective was to keep her from lapping me. I had to cheat to make this happen, too! :) I am pathetic. She handed me my pride on a paper plate. It was really fun to swim with her, though, and I appreciated her letting this old woman join her.

There were several times over the days I just sat and stared at her, observing her every move and gesture, remembering myself at her age. Many times I would feel a lump in my throat as I stared at her, thinking, “You are so young. You really are. And your entire life is about to explode. Next year your mother is going to get cancer and die. This whole life you know now is going to change forever. You have no idea what is about to happen. You’ll never be the same…” Of course, I was speaking to my 13-year old self who was in Lauren’s body.

These moments were very bizarre for me, and… surreal. That’s the only word for it. I wasn’t prepared to spend 5 days with the mirror of myself.

I came back to continued work with my back, and its related pain. JZ has been worried about my lack of progress and has suggested I come out to let her work with me a bit on some exercises, etc., so she can see what is going on herself. What a friend she is. I mean, seriously. She has enough on her own plate. If things don’t improve, I may consider heading to see her for a few days. This lingering ache in my back is affecting my daily living. I awaken at night to an ache that makes me draw my knees to my chest to try to relieve pressure. This isn’t normal.

But I am determined to solve the puzzle. This back issue picked the wrong person to mess with. I can handle anything and will gut out whatever I have to. Think this is going to stop me? I am used to having to defeat odds, slam through obstacles that would cripple most people. So bring it on. I have people who really believe in me and want me to overcome. I will not let them down.

Cheers.